Yesterday we talked about letting go and a trick I use to blow away memories that cause pain. Pamela posted a good comment about being unable to let something go because it is unfinished. How do you let go or release an experience when you lack closure?
What is Closure?
I really like this definition of closure from Verywell Mind:
Closure refers to having a sense of understanding, peace, and accepted finality of the relationship whether it’s ended because of loss, rejection, or growing apart.
The most important thing to understand about closure is that it is something that happens inside of you. Closure doesn’t come from someone else, it comes from within you.
What Does Closure Mean for You?
Closure means something different for every person and every situation. In my response to Pamela yesterday, I gave an example of a falling out with a family member which occurred some years ago. Closure for me, in this situation, was to receive a heartfelt apology and an attempt to make the situation right by admitting the wrong that was done. This kind of closure was never going to happen. The other party might never admit they were in the wrong and they definitely feel like they don’t need to apologize.
The closure I thought I needed was predicated on the other person acting the way I wanted them to. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 56 years on Earth is that you cannot truly force someone to feel the way you want them to feel. This needs to be repeated: You cannot force someone to give you closure! You might manipulate them into a corner and force an apology, but it isn’t going to be from the heart and it isn’t going to resolve the situation. In fact, this kind of manipulation puts you in the wrong.
Realizing that I was the one holding onto my emotions around the incident, I decided closure for me meant being able to think of the event without the shame, embarrassment, and anger that arose from it. It also meant not allowing this person space to do what they did again. This whole event was relatively trivial once I stepped back, although it literally hurt some people who are my close friends.
Closure is Personal
My closure entailed making things right with the people who were hurt and going no contact with the person who did the hurt. You can understand this was painful and I did brood over the situation for quite a while. Final closure occurred for me when I realized my own feelings about the situation needed to change.
For me, this entailed a cord-cutting ritual similar to this one. For some people, I suggest finding the perfect stone and putting all of your feelings, your anger, grief, fear, etc, into the rock and then throwing it hard into running water. Other people might need the help of a professional who can guide them through releasing negative emotions. Perhaps you need to consult a lawyer to get redress, but this is only part of your closure – you can win a lawsuit, but you still need to deal with your own negative and painful emotions (Although winning the lawsuit can sometimes eliminate all of those dark emotions in an instant).
What the Tarot Wants to Say About Closure
As usual, the Tarot is spot-on. The card I pulled is the Five of Wands which features five people fighting each other. It is a card of strife, conflict, arguments, and diversity. In this particular deck, the Light Seer’s Tarot, notice how the figures look the same. This is a powerful reminder that what you are actually fighting against are your own feelings and emotions.
But I feel this card is also reminding us that we can’t climb out of our “pit of despair” while this struggle is still going on. Step back and pretend someone is telling you their story. How would you advise them? Looking at the card, how you would help your friend organize their emotions and put those wands into a ladder so they can climb up and away from the situation?
Getting Help to Get Closure
Because closure is so personal and trauma is so varied, you may need help getting closure. This might be confiding in a friend, working with the Tarot, or seeing a licensed therapist. Reaching out for help is a very positive indication that you are ready to move and release your emotions!
As a Tarot Consultant, about half of my clients are seeking some kind of closure and the reading usually just confirms what they already knew deep down.
Occasionally it does surprise you, such as the person who was trying to act as a caregiver for an adult, married sister with mental health issues. The cards were very clear that the client needed to stop, focus on her own family, and allow her sister to live her own life. While the client wasn’t looking for closure when she came in, she realized at the end that closure was what she needed. I was delighted when she contacted me a year later to say that by cutting her sister off she felt much happier. She admitted that the emotions of resentment and fear of judgment by society, friends, and family held her back. Releasing those emotions and separating her emotions from those of her sister’s situation allowed her clarity and energy to focus on her own children.
Conclusion
In order to let go you need to identify what emotions you are feeling and why. Once you know that, identify exactly what you think would bring you closure. If that involves voluntary action from the other party, look and see how you, yourself can reframe the situation. You can only change yourself! Finally, be strong and ask for help.
What Clients are Saying about Sophrosyne Tarot
I was advised to ask open-ended questions instead of predictive questions which I thought was helpful because I never would have known if it weren’t for the reader. The reader provided the reading along with some advice too so the entire reading was very thorough and explained in an understandable manner.
Everything said was accurate and helpful for me to identify my flaws in order to grow as a person. I have learned a lot about tarot and what it does to help me.
I connected with: “This is a powerful reminder that what you are actually fighting against are your own feelings and emotions”. Our emotions are a lesson plan for our spiritual growth and this is a great reminder to look within. Thank you, great post!
What a terrific post and subject. I really like: “Closure refers to having a sense of understanding, peace, and accepted finality of the relationship whether it’s ended because of loss, rejection, or growing apart.” I had not thought so much about the fact that it is “me” who needs to do the work! I guess I had somewhat thought of it, but not to the depth you are talking here. Thank you!
I think your advice to seek professional help if you need it is very wise. There are many qualified therapists who can help you process your emotions and find closure in a healthy way.
Thank you again for sharing your story. I hope it will help others who are struggling to find closure.
I agree with you that closure must come from within someone and not from any one else’s actions. When a person understands that, I believe, getting over conflict and trauma will be easier.