The second most common relationship question seen in my practice are variations on “Is s/he my soulmate?” Before doing the reading I need to know what the client understands by the term soulmate. Some who believe in reincarnation or rebirth say that soulmates go through each life together, bound forever. Others think a soulmate is their perfect partner, their one and only, the person they are “meant” to be with.
What is a Soulmate?
My personal definition of a soulmate is a person with whom you have a deep connection and understanding. Soulmates finish one another’s sentences. They know instantly when a person doesn’t mean what they are saying and often know what was actually meant. Because of this extreme closeness, a feeling of trust and dependability grows. Psychologists and neurobiologists define a soulmate as a ” special affinity, understanding, or powerful bond that exists between one person and another. The ineffable experience of being known by and knowing another lends itself to the mythical image of soulmates as two wandering souls finally reuniting”.[source]The most important part of the soulmate definition is that the feeling is true for both people. You cannot have a soulmate where the feeling isn’t mutual.
How Does The Soulmate Connection Work?
Humans evolved physically to accept another person or people as special, singled out as important to us from all others. This feeling of connection with another person has origins in the way our brains are wired. Neurobiologists believe that the closeness we experience with soulmates is based within the right brain, the part of our brain more concerned with nonverbal communication. The right brain is always gathering information and recognizing when the other person thinks or feels the same as we do. This recognition gives us pleasure, a feeling of being seen, known, and understood.
The cues that are right brain picks up on are nonverbal and include vocal cues including the pitch of the voice, the stress in the voice, and how words and phrases are stressed. The right brain also processes facial expressions and picks up on minute changes in the entire face, and even body” which aren’t usually noticed[source]. In fact, studies have found that couples who are soulmates not only have similar brain patterns, they even “smell more alike than people who didn’t form close relationships”[source].
But here’s the catch, biologically and neurologically there is no reason why you can’t feel this sense of connection with multiple people throughout your life. Additionally, this connection isn’t limited to potential romantic partners. These close relationships also occur between close non-romantic friends and between parent and child. In fact, I would argue that non-romantic soulmates can last longer than romantic ones.
Are Soulmates Forever?
I have a non-romantic friend who is likely a soulmate. We have known each other since age 13 and just understand each other. Through college and after we never really got together. We were in different parts of the state and didn’t have a lot of common interests. I’d say we spoke only seldom for about ten years. But when we did get together there was no real sense of catching up. The connection was still there, the acceptance, and understanding just clicked right in. This relationship continues to this day. Sometimes we don’t communicate for a month. Other times we text and talk constantly.
Good parents should be soulmates with their children up until a certain age. Parents should understand without words what their child needs and wants. In my opinion, this connection starts to seriously change at puberty as the child evolves and changes. Sometimes this doesn’t happen though and the parent and child remain extremely close. Both this soulmate example and the one above are non-romantic and the relationships are expected to change over time.
Many people go into a relationship believing the other person is their soulmate. They are perfect for each other! It is so romantic! And then a month, a year, a decade goes by and the romance has changed or is gone and the relationship has soured. “I really thought he was my soulmate,” one client told me. “I’ve wasted so much time.” How can a soulmate relationship go bad?
Soulmates and Change
I don’t believe soulmates are necessarily forever. (For the record, I also don’t believe that you live out your lives with the same people over and over. How can you learn what you need to learn reincarnating with the same people every life? How can you move forward? What if one party chooses not to reincarnate? Is reincarnation real? But I digress…)
People change. In fact, I personally believe that our ability to change, learn, and adapt is really what makes us human.
People change. In fact, I personally believe that our ability to change, learn, and adapt is really what makes us human. The ability to change is why humans can live in every ecosystem on this planet and plan to colonize other planets. We change. Relationships change and sometimes end because people don’t change the same way. Values change. What is important to a person changes throughout their life. Sometimes the soulmate connection weakens because the partners are no longer the people they were when the relationship began.
In non-romantic soulmates, like deep friendships or parent-child relationships, this change is usually slow enough for the relationship to adapt and change. Children start their own families. Friends become gradually distant. Romantic soulmates, on the other hand, have commingled their entire lives, living space, finances, friends, and other responsibilities. There is also the ephemeral feeling of romance, the feeling of being in love, that gradually fades. The realization that you and your partner are no longer soulmates is painful, both emotionally and materially.
Tarot Advice for Soulmates
First off, let’s make it clear that the question “Is X my soulmate?” is a terrible one to bring to a Tarot consultant. As a consultant, I see that as a Yes or No question. Do you really want to pay me to just say yes or no? A slightly better way is to ask an open-ended question such as “How can I attract my soulmate?” or “What strengths and weaknesses can I experience in this relationship?” Even better is to ask “Why do I feel that X is my soulmate?”
The problem with all of these questions is two-fold. First, being a soulmate involves two people. You are concerned if they are your soulmate, but are you theirs? Second, and most important, soulmates usually don’t just pop into being. More important, in a romantic relationship, is communication. What interests do you share? Can you talk about your feelings with one another? Do you know each other’s hopes and desires? What happens when they bump up against your boundaries? How do you handle disagreements? Being a soulmate isn’t a one-way ticket to eternal bliss but a continual work in progress. Even after 30 years of marriage, my own relationship is still a work in progress. We’ve both changed a lot in that time and have agreed to accept those changes and move forward. But for others, it just doesn’t work that way.
Conclusion
Do soulmates exist? Yes, definitely. Are they forever? Not necessarily. Can I have more than one? Yes, definitely. Even at the same time! But that is another article.
Credit for top image: pepperberryfarm
What Clients are Saying about Sophrosyne Tarot
I was advised to ask open-ended questions instead of predictive questions which I thought was helpful because I never would have known if it weren’t for the reader. The reader provided the reading along with some advice too so the entire reading was very thorough and explained in an understandable manner.
Everything said was accurate and helpful for me to identify my flaws in order to grow as a person. I have learned a lot about tarot and what it does to help me.
What an interesting article! It never occurred to me that soulmates could be temporary.
The definition I know about Soulmate is completely different. This article is quite interesting and I loved few lines that I read them twice to understand the depth of their meaning.
from
UBC
I enjoyed reading your post. I also use open-ended questions as a therapist. It leads to richer discussion.
Thank you! Yes, in general Yes/No questions don’t really get at the heart of any personal issue, do they?
This is a great article. I love the way you’d prefer people ask you about soul mates. Also, I have a few people in my life that I call the loves of my life. Those who go deep. I never referred to them as my soulmates but I’m going to start now. Thank you for enlightening me.
Thank you, Fran! The research for this was interesting and I plan on reading more about how our subconscious or unconscious directs our connections.
I definitely believe in soulmates and that they can be found in any type of relationship. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even with a pet, I think that if you are open to finding them and putting in the effort, then soulmates are definitely possible.
I’ve always believed in the existing of soulmates, but after reading this insightful post I am much more aware of this phenomenon. I cannot wait to read your next article! Anything on numerology on the horison perhaps?
A post on how numbers work in Tarot would be great! Thank you for the idea.