The phrase “holding space” is used frequently in fields pertaining to emotional and mental therapy practices. But what does it mean?

Holding Space

Holding space is the practice of being fully present for someone. It means focusing on a person to support them as they “feel their feelings”. (cite) Eliminate judgment and your own ego and just be there for that person without wanting or expecting anything in return. Sometimes people just want to be heard. They don’t want (or need) your fixing, advice, confirmation, or judgment. They may ask for some of those things, but holding space is just about listening, being present, and, most crucially, validating and acknowledging their emotions. This means putting down the phone, stopping your own inner conversation that is thinking of things to say or comparing their position to something you’ve experienced. Just be there, look them in the eye, hold them if they want that, be a shoulder to cry on if needed.

How to Hold Space

“Holding space is like creating a metaphorical bucket for someone to emotionally and verbally vomit into.”~ ConnorBeaton.com OK, yes, that is disgusting, but think about having a child, friend, or partner who is very ill. You aren’t giving them advice, “buck up, you’ll feel better!”, or judging them, “I think you are misreading the situation, you’re not sick at all!”. Instead, you just hold their hair back, rub their back and let them get it all out. That is holding space, except the stuff coming out is emotional. You don’t need to remove or avoid your own emotions, just let their’s wash through you. Hear what they say, feel what you feel, but eliminate judgment. You will want to defend, point out, advise, fix, or solve their problem, but don’t. That isn’t what holding space is about. Just let them purge.

Be a Mirror

By being a mirror you rephrase back to them what you are hearing them say, but without adding your own emotions or interpretations. Communicate back what you hear them saying. “You just sound so frustrated!” “You are so furious that they lied to you!” This is an important part of holding space because it lets them know they are being heard.

Validate Their Feelings

As Connor Beaton says “you don’t need to agree with them to validate them”. This is important because it doesn’t matter if what they did, in your opinion, was dumb or wrong. You are validating their own feelings about the situation.  In holding space it doesn’t matter what you would do in that situation, all that matters is how they feel and that they need to be heard. Emotions tend to spiral, making a person feel like they are crazy or wrong to feel the way they do. How a person feels is how they feel. Assure them they aren’t crazy or wrong to have the feelings.

Take Care of Yourself

If you are holding space for someone else, breathe deeply. Deep breathing can help you let their emotions flow through you.  Take some time afterward for yourself. Examine your own feelings about holding space. Remind yourself that you aren’t the bucket, you were just holding it. Most of all, be worthy of trust and don’t share with anyone else unless given specific permission.